21 September 2010 – Lifuka, Ha'apai, Tonga

Wow. It's been a very intense few days. We sailed from Ha'ano to Lifuka on Monday & did our check-in in the morning. We asked the Customs people the condition of Melaia's mom (it's a small island & Lesieli is a prominent figure, having been married to a minister, who passed away 8 years ago). We were told she had died on Friday, so when we rode our bikes to the house, it was no surprise to find everyone dressed in black & wearing big mourning mats covering from the armpits down. I was glad I had worn black as BB definitely stood out in his usual Hawaiian shirt. He had to borrow a black shirt from Sio for the funeral on Tuesday.

The house & grounds were transformed. There were five big tents, some with tables & chairs beneath, some with mats. There were palm fronds covering the ground. There were people everywhere, sitting on the ground, mostly. Melaia greeted us with a big tearful lingering hug, & one of the first things she said was, "my mom asked about you; when you'd be coming back."

We hugged her sister Lavini, who was always around when we were here in August, & they accompanied us to "see Lesieli." She was in a freezer box that had been decorated with mats, with a dozen "attendants" who slept on mats around her day & night. She was never left unattended. We were instructed to greet each of the ladies - both relatives & close friends - & offer words of consolation.

We spent the rest of the day sitting with Melaia & Sio, but not talking much. We were introduced around to the family as the opportunity arose, most of them visiting from afar, but no one was in the mood to socialize. Melaia said she considers us family, & that we were welcome to come to the funeral the next day, & any other time before or after.

The funeral was at 3pm, so we went in around 11am, after I baked brownies & made an origami bouquet. We hitched a ride so that David & Janet could have our bikes for the day.

Melaia had told us there'd be singing groups coming from the churches on the island beginning at 6:30am. The singers sat under the tent near the house, & the singing was wonderful. BB recorded a lot of it, while I took video with Melaia's camera. The bushes in front of the house were draped with a black cloth & purple ribbons - traditional Tongan funereal dress. We were ushered into the house to pay our respects, again greeting each of the attendants & giving Melaia & Lavini a hug, both of whom were puffy-eyed & looking truly exhausted. Lavini is unmarried & has spent her whole life living with her 85-yr old mother; she was grieving very loudly, wailing & keening to wrench one's heart, but thankfully not grieving in the way that Tongans did in the 19th century, which was by cutting & hitting their heads repeatedly with shells, knives, & clubs.

The body had been laid out on a big pile of folded tapa (hand-made painted cloth), covered by a fancy feathered mat with a cross design. Lesieli's face was exposed & looked pretty good for having been in a freezer for 4 days. There were fake flowers all around & a white muslin canopy with red ribbons over the bed. While we were sitting beside the body, a woman on the other side posed with her head right next to the dead woman's head while someone else took a photo. Clearly we are in a different culture.

Melaia came outside with us & asked us to please take a lot of photos & video, saying that she'd really appreciate having them & was in no shape to do it herself. I didn't like the idea of being the only foreigners present & then fulfilling the cliche of camera in hand, but BB was even more uncomfortable with the idea, so I walked around taking pictures throughout the day, & no one seemed to mind. In fact, many people posed & then thanked me for taking their picture.

After we had visited the body, Sio insisted we eat. This is very strong Tongan tradition. No one must go hungry. The food production tents were bustling with men cooking manioc in big pots, unearthing meat from the umu (earth ovens), frying chicken (called "Kentucky" all over Tonga) & boiling hot dogs & eggs. All the food was put into individual styrofoam boxes & passed out to the waves of people who came to the eating tent. There was also a group of ladies making 50-gallon barrels of Kool-Aid & big pots of hot chocolate, even though it was blazing hot in the sun & everyone was angling for shade. Sio sat with us while we ate (the Kentucky was really good!) then left to go shower. We sat on the palm fronds & listened to the singing for the next couple hours until the funeral. We filled up the card on our camera, but BB had plenty of time to hitch back to the wharf, offload the card, & return to record more of the music before the funeral began.

A flatbed truck was decorated with mats & tapa. The grandkids dressed in white led the procession out of the house, carrying the body wrapped in mats, & placed it on the truck. A mat about 100' long was hung from the cab of the truck over the body & carried over the procession of family following the truck. Melaia signaled to us to be sure to get it all on video. It was a short walk to the church where the body was brought inside & placed before the altar, still wrapped in the mats.

There were around 150 people at the service, which was all in Tongan. Only one daughter gave a eulogy (there are 8 kids). Every single person besides us was wearing a mat, even the tiny children. There was more beautiful singing, of course. BB recorded the whole service for Melaia from the loft halfway up the bell tower, with pigeons flapping about his head, while I walked around trying to unobtrusively take photos.

We processed back the way we came, stopping in front of the house for a minute of silence, then moving on to the cemetery just beyond the hospital where Lesieli died. The plot had been exhumed that morning to remove her husband's bones, which were oiled & wrapped in a tapa, to be re-buried alongside his wife. Some oils & perfumes were also placed in the grave, according to custom. The burial didn't take long, thankfully, as there was no shade & we were all melting in the hot sun in our black clothes. We stayed while they shoveled the sand onto the grave in order to accompany Melaia & Sio back to the house, where we were given another box of food that had been saved for the family. We sat & drank Kool-Aid, then Sio's son Salesi drove us to the wharf. We promised to come the next day to visit, as the mourners are not allowed to do anything but grieve for at least 3 days. They will continue to sit, eat & sleep on the same mats where they've been living since Lesieli died. Melaia cannot open her store for a month. The close family will wear black for a year.

We feel very fortunate to've been able to witness such an event from the inside, although it was difficult to be among such strong emotions & yet not really be a part of them. Now we need to sort through the hundreds of photos & videos & try to put something meaningful together for Melaia, but we know she will truly appreciate our efforts.

says ADR